Mr. Speaker Baby-Face, Mr. Vice President Get Me a Coke now because this shithole lectern doesn't have anything suckable, members of Congress if they are Republicans maybe not counting you, Mitch, my fellow Americans, Little Rocket Man, Fake News People and everyone else who's my enemies, although I really love you, really, really do:
The state of our uniom -- and that's not a typo! It's U-N-I-O-M on purpose because Obama only had two legs in his union and we have three, count 'em, three! --- the state of our uniom is very, very, very strong. Tremendous strength. Excellent. The strongest uniom that's ever been, since before there even was a uniom, probably the strongest uniom in world history going back to Noah and the dinosaurs. Right-to-work Uniom!
And the discovery of Uniom, the 194th element on the Menstrual Periodic Exam Table. And it's very, very strong, believe me. And if Hillary hadn't sold all our Uniom-238 to Russia, I wouldn't have to work hard with Vlad to get it all back. So that's the Russian thing in a nutjob, or Helena handbasket. Cooperating with our fine Russian comrades to get back what Hillary stole from our U-2 mines. We'll lock her up in the coal mines, instead! And all that cash, which she used to fund her vote theft. What do you think of that? That's right! BOOOOOOO!
And by the way, regarding the nuclear: Time's running out. I'll be done with this thing in five minutes but there's still a chance for you to blow away your family and co-workers. See your name crawl across your teevee screen right about around my rib cage, as soon as you send Bitcoins to my campaign donation site. It's three hundred bucks per letter, so if your name is really long, get started now. Lyin' Ted Cruz, you can take your time. You’re short-character.
And while you're on our fabulous sales page, check out Trump Organization's fine collection of Corinthian pleathers, all made in exotic Indonesia. Actually, made on factory ships out at sea, as of the moment, to ensure purity and avoid the Trans-Uniom Pacific Partnership. Bad law. I'm getting rid of that. I’ve got Ivanka working on it. The factory ship, I mean. Literally.
No one should resolve our test. Because we're the strongest America ever, and only one man could make that happen, and I am that man. It couldn't be nicer to a nicer guy, and it couldn't happen to another guy besides me. Thank you, Trump, thank you. And hey Pence, where's my goddamn soda pop? Get a move on!
Anyway, Victoria lap! Literally where I'm going after this address tonight. Melania being out of town. Because in America it's party time. Republican Party time. The Trump economy is on a huge roil. Royal. That’s role. Roll. All because of me and my brilliant policies and smart deal-making. Not. A. Coin. Ci. Dence.
So that's it. Thank you, fallow people, you for being relatively less smart and electing the most stabilized genius president in history. Rest assured, I've got the power and the will and I've got your back, and your short hairs, too. It takes smart voters who know how to get past all the suppressionist artists. Thanks to our gun-loving patriots who patrol our voting places so DACA children and taxi drivers from Yemen won't try to stuff the bullet boxes.
So … hey! You out there! I saw your eyes roll! You want a piece of me? Do you want a piece of me? Cuz I'm the only president here! Do you want a piece...!?
[At this point, the sergeant at arms summons two private security guards to guide the president to his waiting limo]